Critique, Create, Repeat: A Love Story ❤️

How My Partner Pisses Me Off to the Point of Possibilties

"I've never seen someone be in the same place for 10 years."
My then-boyfriend said this to me in the year of our Lord 2018.

It was in the middle of an argument bout who knows what. We've been together 50 years and had 152 squabbles since then. But this one? I remember this one so clearly.

We were sitting in a car. I was in the passenger seat crying uncontrollably. Couldn’t catch my breath. Snot comin out my nose and whatnot.

Half appalled. Half hurt. It pained me so badly to hear him say those words, that it caused a physical pang in my heart.

The reason it hurt so bad. The reason I felt that criticism so deeply was because it was true. I knew it all along. I'd known it for the past 10 years on a cellular level.

And now all those failures and missed opportunities were obvious to others. My setbacks had bubbled to the surface. The existential gig was up.

As bad as it hurt, it also motivated me. It was like my mind said, "Oh hellllllllllll naw. Is that how we out here looking to the peoples? OK bet."

It was just the fuel I needed to hit the gas on all the ideas I’d been merely collecting.

The next year I created an online apparel business combining my two favorite things: self-discovery & storytelling and aptly called it Yo Destiny Make Me a Shirt.

I'd done, naturally, what creators today take a course for. I'd created a digital lane for myself and was making money being myself.

This was and still is, my personal definition of success making this one of the best stretches of my life so far.

One of them "best" days, that same partner walked past me and kissed me on the cheek, while I was shipping shirts and said these three words. "I'm prada you."

What can I say, guys? Words of affirmation are my love language (I also have daddy issues but that's for another newsletter).

I need to hear how you feel about me - good or bad. These kinds of declarations give me direction. Like Aaliyah said, "Let me know."

I wanted more of that. It gave me an adrenaline rush. Pushed me to go harder. Like a person high-fiving you on mile 6 of a 10k race.

That's what that compliment felt like. It activated me. Gave me a boost. Twas a positive incentive to keep going. Until I couldn't anymore.

After 2 yrs I got burnt out, signed a brick-and-mortar lease I-ain't had-no-business-signin', lost sight of what I was originally goin after, and just all around found it an uphill battle to scale an online business by myself.

I protested under my breath every other day during that time. "I'm an artist, not a businesswoman got damnit!" In the end, I would come to find, you can't be one without the other. At least not while social media is alive.

But that's the thing with personal brands. Not only do you have to be on all the time - you gotta be the photographer, the narrator, the marketer, the tax lady, the video editor...

And you have to do these things right. All at once. You can't mess up. People are literally watching.

I probably should've taken a "course" on "How to Stay in Your Digital Lane" at that point but I just wanted to chill for a minute and rest my brain. For at least one month, I didn’t wanna problem-solve.

Well that month turned into a year and that year turned into 4 years and that is where you find me today.

Having just had my 205th squabble with my callous companion last night. This time bout how "IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE THAT TSHIRT SHIT. THATS OVA. WHAT IS YOU ON NOW? WHAT'S YOUR PLAN TO MAKE MONEY NOW?”

A familiar bell went off in my head. It was "this-nigga-den-lost-his-mind-time" again!"

Lucky for him my creative confusion has mostly come to an end and I feel mentally ready to chart a new course.

I mean sure this period of artistic stagnancy took a lil longer than expected but I dunno - I think I’m kinda gettin a hang of these creative swings.

Understanding that these cycles, these seasons are prerequisites for moving on to the next phase. I notice that the longer I fight them, the longer they stay. The more I resist, the stronger they get.

And so lately, I’ve been just chillin'. Seeing where vulnerability gets me. Utilizing that “done is better than perfect” crap successful artists rant and rave about.

I’ve been lettin my brain rest when it wants to and work when it needs to. Giving it a much-needed reprieve from the urge to be meticulous and getting rid of any cherished outcomes.

It feels good to release the pressure of having to know the right thing to do all of the time. Because, whew, that shit takes energy.

What if I was comfortable with not knowing what was gonna happen and just did it anyway? Wouldn’t that be fun? Wouldn’t that be different? Wouldn’t it be refreshing to do the opposite of my usual approach and, in turn, achieve completely different results?

So, yeah anyway. Like I was saying, I cried myself to sleep last night, and when I woke up this morning my brain was like, "Ok bet.”