I Called a Psychic 🔮

Not my intuition giving me a better reading than the intuitive reader + How to prompt your intuition to read YOU for filth. 🗣VOICEOVER 🗣

I recently called a psychic.
Something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.

This was my third reading with the same "spiritual medium."

She conducts intuitive readings over the phone from her home in California, which for me is just the right amounts of shady and convenient.

See, I’m what they call a skeptimist, which means—while I can veer on the side of cynic, I’m mostly open-minded.

I read my daily horoscope. (Shout out to Vogue.) I meditate regularly. (Lies, I do be trying tho.) And I’d shove a crystal up my ass right now if it promised to improve the quality of my life. (Sorry, B. Simone).

But I’m also painfully self-aware.
I-know-my-therapist-hate-to-see-me-comin' levels of self-aware.

So there’s very little anyone can tell me about me—good or bad—that I don’t already know, haven’t at least considered, and/or overthunk .

That said, even when I know better, I don’t always do better.

So, when I get a reading, I need to hear something that’s gonna give me chills, and force me to take action.

I’m not looking for surface-level affirmations. I want that spooky, symbolic shit. That, “oh-my-gah how would she know that” type shit.

I want revelations that I can point to years down the line as that one piece of insight that changed my life.

I need to know there's a card in that deck showing a crossroads with a sign that explicitly says, 'This way destiny,”

This how I’m comin

And I need you to feel it so deeply in your bones that you let out a little yelp and blurt out my childhood pet’s name—unprompted.

That is the confirmation I’m after.

I figured this was the lady I could come to for that “spooky shit”, considering during our first session years ago, she mixed up me and my friend’s energies.

The friend in question—who had gifted me the reading—was sitting in the room with me when it began.

A minute in and she began to accurately detail my friend’s life—conflicts, relationships, what she had for breakfast...

I stopped her mid UTI diagnosis and said, "Umm. I think you’ve got the wrong person."

Then I handed her the phone, shut the door tight behind me, and waited 30 minutes for my turn.

My reading wasn’t life-changing, but it piqued my interest just enough to return.

Which brings me to this year.

I wanted a clear picture heading into 2025—some sense of direction, a roadmap to my destiny, a cheat code for life, sum’n supernatural…

And because I’d had relative success with her before, I booked another session.

When the day came, I sat in my car, away from all the busybody energies in my house, got a pen and paper, and prepared to write details so specific they made my chest hurt.

Instead, I got the same recycled relationship reading I’d heard twice before. “You’re going to be okay.”
“Like a black cat, you always land on your feet.”
“Fear is holding you back—just start.”

All valid. But couldn’t these validities apply to literally anyone?

I sat there clutching my phone, watching the minutes dwindle down on my 30-minute, $90 reading—fretting about what would happen if I let yet another year go by without proper counsel.

And then in a moment of desperation, I broke the cardinal rule of psychic skepticism: I overshared—lowkey narrating my life story, hoping the more information I gave her, the better my reading would be.

It did not. In fact, it had the opposite effect. I think it threw her off a bit.

What was supposed to be a spiritual awakening had turned into a charming chat with the town librarian.

I hung up the phone thinking about how if I was just gonna spill my guts and in return receive platitudes, then I could’ve just kept this week’s therapy appointment—which I’d foregone to pay for this reading.

Then, in a flash of clarity, I remembered something my therapist told me three sessions back: “You already know what to do. You’re just hoping someone else will tell you it’s right.”

Well I’ll be damned.

It was true! While I valued each of their individual gifts and services, I had everything I needed for this particular chapter in my life.

I’d lived it. I’d learned it. Now was the time to apply it. There was no medium or therapist that could do this part for me.

I was waiting for permission when I should’ve just used my intuition.

So the following day, I went into a quiet room, centered myself, and told my intuition …

Here’s what it said:

1. “Turn that fuckin TV off! No. This is not Kendrick Lamar talking. This is your conscience reminding you creation over consumption.”

2. "You're not lazy; you just really enjoy long periods of uninterrupted reflection."

3. “Clean your closet. Create some space. How can you breathe in here? Literally and figuratively.”

4. "Think of your creative life like this: You are playing a game of telephone with God."

5. "You will never know what to do next if you don't do what you're supposed to do now."

6. “You have friends but I don't see any close friends in your immediate aura. Sup w/ that?”

7. "You're waiting for respect from people who won't respect you until they see other people respect you. Stop this.”

8. “Less self help. More social science.”

9. “Slow and steady wins the race but procrastination and indecision will keep you stuck at the starting line, stink.”

10. “People don't want to learn from perfect people. Let this be your mantra when you feel cringe or are suffering from vuLnErAbIliTy hAnGoVeRs.”

11. “Gig work gotta go. It's taking your attention away from things you need to take chances on.”

12. "2025 is the year of closing mental browser tabs for you. It's like, 'God is saying, “Gon head and log out some of them windows for me.'"

13. "Your daughters are watching you. They need to see you be great this year. Be proof that you can design the life you want and change course at any time."

The truth is, we all have access to that inner voice, but we drown it out with noise: TV, doubt, fear, other people’s opinions. We search for external validation when what we need is already inside us, waiting to be heard.

I wonder what would happen if you got quiet long enough to listen? What would your intuition tell you if you gave it the floor?

Want your intuition to read you for filth? Here’s some self-discovery shit to conduct your own intuitive reading.

• What recurring thoughts or ideas have been quietly nudging you for attention?

• If you knew your next step couldn’t fail, what would you do?

• What are you consuming that’s keeping you from creating?

• What areas of your life need “mental browser tabs” closed so you can move forward?

• Who or what are you waiting on for permission?

The answers might surprise you. Or, like me, they might remind you of what you’ve known all along: the path forward isn’t hidden in the cards—it’s written in you.

And if that doesn’t work, you can always shove a crystal up your ass.💎